Full Blown Page 3

  I closed my eyes relaxed my legs, and he begun to fuck me.

  Why couldn't he just do it silently he was a talker.

  “Wow this pretty warm pussy I think… I think I’m in love. You love me little girl.” He asked

  When I didn't respond he slapped me on my clit

  “Do you love me little girl.” He asked in the most degrading voice.

  I still didn't reply to him he reached up and started choking me harder. Why did it seem like his time on me lasted longer than the others.

  “I love you.” I cried out tears streaming down my cheeks.

  “Good girl, and don't you forget it he started choking me pumping me so hard I could feel the skin between my legs starting to rip open.

  Out of all the men he was the only one who relieved himself inside of me.

  When he was finished, I began to throw up.

  “Ewww fuck man looks like the party's over.” Someone said.

  They got dressed and started leaving out one by one I got up, and ran into the bathroom.

  I felt so dirty I owned the moment until him. I couldn't stop replaying him inside of me over, and over again.

  I turned on a cold shower I set there for a while before anyone came in the bathroom.

  I knew that someone was Nesha I closed my eyes trying to tune her out.

  I just wanted to be alone forgetting yesterday or tonight even happened.

  Then I thought about my sister’s. OMG I haven't reached out to them the entire time I been gone.

  “Are they okay?” “Have he tried anything funny with them?” Tonight proved our feeling about him was right.

  Nesha moved the shower curtain back, and set on the floor next to me.

  She held up the needle, and tie.

  “You ready for this?” She asked.

  I held my arm out to her closed my eyes, and drifted away.

  “Let me guess you knew the last guy?” She asked.

  “Yes.” I said in a whisper I paused he's my step father I said choking on my words.

  “Damn that’s fucked up.” She said.

  We set in silence I let the drugs, and cold water relax my mind.

  I did wake until three pm the next day, and that's only because my phone was ringing nonstop.

  I felt so tired I went to sleep with an ice pack in between my legs to help with the pain from skin being torn apart.

  “Hello.” I said with a dry voice.

  “Heard you put on quite a show last night, got the guys wanting more.” He said.

  I didn't respond.

  “I’ll be over this evening.” He said hanging up the phone without even a goodbye.

  I rolled over, and went back to sleep “What's life.” I said to myself.

  Greg got there around seven pm. I was sitting at the table trying to make myself eat a few crackers.

  I don't eat much anymore, but I know I have to get something in my body.

  He set down at the table across from me, and tossed me a stack of bills. If looks could kill he would be dead!

  I counted the money then looked back at him I cleared my throat before speaking.

  “You mean to tell me all those people I fuck, and all I get is a measly thousand.” I said.

  He shifted in his seat, and peeled off another five hundred, and threw it in my face.

  “There since you fucked daddy.” He said

  Before I knew it I grabbed the cookie jar off the table, and smashed it into his face.

  His smack was fast, and swift I landed on the floor blood and my teeth were in my hand.

  “Don't forget who you work for bitch.” He said while grabbing a towel off the sink.

  “I see you still don't get it yet” He spitted blood from his mouth into my face.

  “I'll be back.” He said.

  I jumped up, and lock the door then ran to my cell phone this has gone way too far.

  I starting calling my mother's number then hung up. I dialed my father and done the same would they even really care.

  I started to call the police, but then say what I was ashamed of myself.

  I set back on the bed, and waited for my faith to be delivered by Greg.

  He never returned that night instead he returned in the morning right on time I was out of product.

  “Pack your shit we leaving.” He said.

  I stayed with him for two years after that incident we moved city to city state to state being pimped out, beaten, and fantasy raped in ways you could imagine.

  Until one day I was beaten to near death by Greg, and was put into a hospital for a few months.

  He never came back for me, and I never reached out to him.

  More disturbingly at the age of twenty five I was diagnosed with full blown Aids.

  When they asked me about my partners I didn't know where to begin or end. I had slept over 200 hundred men, and maybe only have of them wanted to have protected sex.

  I was finally drug free pimp free thinking I could live a normal life, only to find nothing will ever be normal.

  All the lives I took away with the countless abortions now I will never be able to have a child, and guarantee its safety or me being around to care for it.

  They said before, be careful what you pray for.

  After one of my abortions I prayed for God to rip my womb from me.

  I guess this was the answer to my prayers; my body will never be fit to carry a child.

  This one was one hard pill to swallow, and I had to digest it at a battered women's shelter.

  I stayed there for a month before I couldn't take anymore. I didn't care what their stories were none of them had been through the hell I suffered. I wasn't in a place to keep listening to them moan, and groan.

  Instead I decided to say fuck it all just do me.

  I went on a self-destructive spree. I was no longer hooked on drugs, and had no desires to.

  I needed money, and the one thing I knew how to do, and so well is sale pussy.

  That's exactly what I started to do carelessly, without protection unless it was the requirement.

  Chapter 6

  Daze

  My relationship ended just as fast as it started, it seemed a month before school started.

  Little petty things like me not wanting her child to call me daddy, started fights between us. This child's father was completely active in his life.

  He's a young cat like me, except he was working a low paying job.

  Tina tried to do everything under the sun to belittle that man, especially in front of me.

  Finally I couldn't hold my tongue any longer, and confronted her after a conversation with the child's father.

  Man to man it was bull shit in today's day and age. We need more stand up men that wanted to be in their child’s lives.

  No he couldn't go out and buy his son the most expensive shoes in the world, but when that boy grows up he's going to be able to say my father was there for me.

  My father stood on the sideline at every football game for me.

  Everything isn't about Polo, Gucci or Jordan’s. When you take all that material stuff away you're still just you.

  I pray for our families today because parenting is so different from when I was coming up.

  When did value of family become about impressing people with clothes, cars and money?

  The value of family was instilled in me that we were to love our family, pray together, have family night, and take trips to the park.

  I could go on for days.

  Now days we have women hopping from man to man, allowing their children to call all of them daddy.

  They use their child support payments to get their hair and nails done.

  Purchasing drugs or buying things for the new man in their lives.

  This shit crazy, but I’m sorry I don't want to be that man, so I give credit where its do.

  I refuse to disrespect another man’s hard work, and manhood to be with a woman.

  At the end of the day
I feel like it makes me less of a man.

  The other thing Tina couldn't get out of her head was that we weren’t having unprotected sex.

  She tried everything under the sun. She would say she was allergic to condoms, and that they gave her yeast infections. When none of that worked she had the nerve to start picking fights about it.

  I cared about her so I stuck it out. I remember her saying that I must be fucking around on her cause I was insisting on protection.

  This was getting to me so much I had to speak to my father about it.

  After that conversation, I took his advice I knew he was right, and would never lead me wrong.

  He said, “Any person who don't understand and respect your choice to respect your temple,

  Is not the person for you because they don't respect themselves!”

  I ended the relationship that same day.

  Didn't go how I planned though. She blew my phone up with repeated calls, and text messages.

  After ignoring all her attempts to call me by phone she showed up making a grand entrance.

  I was laying on the couch watching sports center as I’ve always done on Sunday mornings.

  I saw her calling, but choose to ignore as I been doing for the last month or so.

  I knew she was there from the commotion that was taking place outside.

  BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

  You heard glass shatter after each one. I laid there just listening for a moment.

  Kinda confused it was never nosey where I lived, and then it hit me, my fucking car!

  By the time I got outside every window was busted out, and my tires were flattened.

  She stood there holding a baseball bat in her hands popping her chewing gum.

  I was stunned that she even done some shit like this. I walked around the car holding my head.

  “What the fuck you smash my shit up for?” I questioned

  “Why you think I fucked yo shit up.” she smugly replied.

  “All you had to do was answer your fucking phone and open your fucking door. You asked for this!” she said.

  I ran over to her, and was about to disregard my upbringing. For a moment I forgot she was a woman.

  By the time I got to her, she had her chin raised awaiting my blow. Tina looked happy I was about to stoop to her level.

  “Go head nigga, what you waiting for? Put your hands on me so I can send your black ass straight to jail!” she said.

  I lowered my hands slowly, stunned by her words and sickened by the look on her face.

  She wanted me to hit her, and I was ashamed of myself for feeding so far into her energy.

  People were outside watching and recording as they do everything these days.

  I could hear the sirens of the police approaching. I released my stress by biting my bottom lip.

  “You a little dick pussy as nigga!” she shouted

  She was laughing like a mad woman so hard that she was doubled over.

  I just watched, and waited for the officers to approach us.

  “What’s going on here?” The shabby officer asked.

  “I was in the house when I heard something going on outside my house. I replied.

  “I found my ex here breaking out my windows, and causing body damage.” I said.

  There was also a cop talking to her crazy ass. She sounded so stupid explaining why she was here with a bat.

  After getting both sides of our stories, and our information they done the obvious thing and arrested her.

  They recommend I place a restraining order on her, and continue to not make contact.

  In the meantime she was being arrested for criminal damaging.

  I called my sister to tell her about it, and she was very belligerent.

  “All hell nah what's this bitch number where she stay? I knew she wasn't shit because you never had her around us!” She shouted.

  “I’m calling mommy.” She said hanging up on me.

  I laid back on bed, and rolled my eyes in the back of my head. I knew I was about to hear it from my parents.

  I could’ve got my sister to kick her ass, but she just wasn't worth it to me.

  She was nothing but trouble and the best way to deal with people like her is just to walk away from the situation.

  I had my car fixed the next day. My homies at the shop had no issues hooking me up.

  The body work was a whole other story. I had to get a rental for a few weeks.

  Chapter 7

  Linda

  I sat and stared at the phone for hours, debating if I was going to reach out to my parents back home in Cincinnati.

  Now that I decided to settle in Dayton after living away for so long, I craved to hear all their voices again.

  I went to take the GED test and I told myself if I passed, this would mean change for me.

  I was tired of living a dangerous life, constantly having to look over my shoulders and hiding who I am.

  The support group I joined helped me see a lot in myself that I didn't see.

  While I was out rebelling, I was just hurting myself.

  I get so many compliments on how beautiful I am, how pretty my teeth are and how long and healthy my hair is.

  Beauty is only skin deep, and if only they knew how rotten I was inside. Would they still admire me then?

  I recently dyed my hair jet black, it was a sudden choice, but I like it. It looks well with my pale creamy white skin.

  You see people who were previously hooked on drugs, and they look really bad, but not me. I was one of the lucky ones.

  I finally picked up the phone and dialed my mom's house phone. It rang until the voice mail came on.

  I took a deep breath kinda relieved no one had picked up, but I was also disappointed. Was I really ready for this step?

  I sat the phone down and I decided I would try later after dropping off my paperwork to Wright State University.

  I figured since I had my GED I would do something with myself, and enter college.

  Before I could finish dressing, the phone started ringing. The number on the caller ID was my mother's.

  My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I tried to clear my throat, not like it mattered my mouth and throat had dried up.

  “Hello.” I was able to whisper out.

  “Hello I missed a call from this number.” My mother said.

  Tears started pouring from my eyes, my heart was pounding rapidly and I started sweating heavily.

  It was like someone had raised the temperature in my apartment, my clothes were soaked.

  “Maaaaaa.” I said starting to cry harder.

  “Lin… Linda.” My mother said in a quiet whisper.

  For a moment I forgotten how to speak, all I could do was weep.

  “Mucus was running from my nose, and slob was trickling down both sides of my cheeks.

  “Linda baby speak to me tell me this is you! Where are you? We will come to you now.” She questioned.

  “It’s me mom.” I finally muttered out.

  “Oh honey it's good to hear your voice.” She said.

  I could hear one of my sisters in the background asking was it me.

  Her excitement overwhelmed me, I missed her just as much.

  “Baby come home or tell me where you are.” She said.

  “Honey do you hear me?” She asked since I didn't respond.

  “I'll come to you.” I said.

  “MOM please let me talk OMG! I heard my sister say in the background.

  “Calm down Janet she's on her way home.” She shouted.

  I could tell her nerves were just as bad as mines. She seemed so irritated by Janet being so hyper.

  Right before we hung up the phone I could hear a baby in the background starting to cry.

  I wrinkled my face wondering who had a baby.

  It wasn't until I was halfway to her house that I Ray came to my mind.

  I’d been focusing so much on missing the people that matter to me I hadn’t given h
im any thought.

  At this point I don't even care, but at some point my mother and I need to have a talk if they are still together.

  I had no desire to have him part of my life, and that's something I planned on stressing.

  When I reached my mother's driveway it was packed, as well as her block.

  It was the beginning of fall so I picked a pink sweat suit for the occasion with a pair of Reebok.

  I walked into the house packed with family, and a few old friends from school.

  Everyone was hugging and kissing me. They were so happy to see me. I was trying to return their love, and affection, but there was that one face standing out in the crowd. I started replaying that night in my head.

  “Do you love me little girl?” replayed in my mind.

  “LINDA...LINDA did you hear me?” My mother was shouting over the crowd.

  There was a little boy standing next to her no older than three years old.

  “This is your nephew Stephan.” she said.

  He looked just like my father; he has all the good looks.

  Both my sisters came rushing through everyone with arms extended. We shared the most amazing three-way hug.

  Moments later my teary eyed mother joined in, and my father was next. I knew his scent anywhere.

  I closed my eyes, and just like in the move I exhaled. I was with family again; I wanted this moment to last forever.

  They prepared an entire feast. It was like it was a holiday or something.

  I looked over at Ray from time to time, and he at me, but not one word spoken.

  After dinner everyone started heading out.

  My sisters and I decided to have a sleepover to catch up.

  Both of them had a child around the same time, you would think they were twins.

  I was happy, but it also pained my heart that I would never share this type of bond with my sisters.

  After doing a little research I found it was possible for me to have a healthy baby with the right care.

  That was a chance I just wasn't willing to take.

  I started speaking to doctors about getting my tubes tied, but because of my age, plus never having a child I couldn't find anyone to do so.

  Once the last person had left it was just me, and my mother left in each other’s company.

  She held her arms out to me.